one of your own children. one of your best friends. one of your co-workers. one of your teachers. the woman behind the counter at the grocery store. the woman you see every day at the gym. the man who sits at the end of the bar looking defeated and helpless. If you only knew the holidays can be a very tough time for couples struggling with infertility. I know it has always been for me. Here’s how you can help….
- The best thing you can do is let them know you care. Tell them you’re sorry they’re struggling with this and you’re here to support them in anyway.
- Listen if they want to talk.
- Be a shoulder for them to cry on.
- Pray for them or let them know you’re thinking of them during this difficult time.
- Remember them on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day by sending a card or message. These holidays can be a very painful time for the women and men out their waiting and hoping to become parents. They are still moms and dads at heart.
- Be asked if or when you are going to have kids. I once had someone ask me, “Do you even want kids?” If you only knew…I want kids so badly that I’m sticking myself with endless needles, taking every supplement/vitamin possible to boost fertility, driving hours back and forth for doctor appointments, and every other thing I can do to help me become pregnant. But I put that fake smile on my face and say to them, “I would love to have kids someday soon” and quietly leave the room as a tear rolls down my face.
- Have someone tell you you’re getting too old to have kids. Couples are very aware of their age and the fact that they could be older parents. Age doesn’t matter when you want to become a mom or dad. Young or old, you still will be a wonderful parent.
- Hear someone say at least you don’t have cancer or some other disease. I’m very thankful for that and everything else in my life; however, comparing it to a disease you think is worse is basically saying to them their feelings are invalid. To me, the worse thing in life is not becoming a mom.
- Hear comments such as “just relax”, “maybe you should take a vacation”, “at least you can sleep in every day”, “if it’s meant to be it’ll happen”, or “try not to stress about it”. Comments like this make them feel like you are minimizing their feelings. You wouldn’t tell someone to “just relax” if they lost a loved one.
- Have someone tell you you can always adopt. Adoption is not always an option for couples. The mere fact of not being able to experience the pure joy of finding out your pregnant, feeling your baby kick for the first time, feeling morning sickness (yes, a woman who yearns to become a mom would give anything to be sick or throw up), feeling contractions, giving birth and holding your own baby for the first time as those big blue eyes, just like his daddy’s, meet yours and your heart explodes into a million little pieces with nothing but pure love. Couples need time to mourn the loss of a biological baby before even considering adoption and loving someone else’s baby.
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