Yeah Me Too (Episode 13): Head Down, Heart Up

I’m so incredibly proud of us for making it this far and being relatively unscathed.  Our marriage is intact. It’s not as passionate or perfect as it used to be, but it’s better. Because we built a foundation that holds up, no second guessing or testing, as we continue toward what we want. (2) I’m scared as hell. his next step is entirely on me. I know, it’s not really like that. If our transfer failed nobody would blame me, but there is this pressure because my husband’s part is done. He won’t take any pills or put his business in a cup. He can encourage me and help, but it ultimately comes down to my lining and levels. This here uterus (I call her beauterus) must show up. And if she doesn’t? Well, I will feel like a failure. And that is scary. (3) Hormonal tears are real, worthwhile tears. I cry every day now. Once we got about 8 weeks away from our FET (Frozen Embryo  Transfer) date, I started crying daily. I’m embarrassed to even mention it, but it’s true. My husband, the king of dad jokes, will lob one out and realization will sneak up on me –  he’s going to drive our kids bat-shit crazy with the same jokes over and over and over again but they’ll secretly love him for it. Then I lose my shit because he’s already a good dad. (4) My self-esteem is steady (but the scale is not). I’ve had a few honest conversations with myself about not attaching any emotion to the weight I’ve gained since we started IVF. It’s hard because I’ve packed it on and I’m relearning how to move and function in my skin, but it’s also liberating to give less of a damn. I refuse to feel bad about how I look while battling infertility. Bigger fish to fry, friends. (5) Anxiety and stress cause panic. There have been a few moments when I wasn’t sure how to navigate my complex emotions. I’m anxious and stressed and I’ve never – ever – wanted anything more than I do in this very moment. That desire grows intensely every single day, which is scary and makes me hormonal. (So, I cry.) This is usually where a blogger will begin their analogy about climbing the mountain and claiming the peak with a victory flag. I don’t want to do that today. Sometimes I think bloggers like to share their feelings so others don’t feel alone, and sometimes I think bloggers like to share their feelings because they think they’re special. I’ve been questioning my own motivations with my words and trying to stay transparent in my actions. Why do you share your story?  My answer didn’t involve, “Knowing I’m super strong and cool, and I’m poetic,” so I left out the analogy. This part of the journey is the ugly part. You’re slogging along and fighting through, but you’re tired and sloppy. Seriously, nobody would look at you in this moment and say you have it all together. People are worried about you, and you’re very aware of your own feelings. You’re ready to take a break, but not before you put up the best fight of your life. You know you can handle more but you don’t want to. It’s powerful. My self-care routine looks like this: Wake Up:

1. Breakfast
2. Write Gratitude List
3. 15 minutes of coloring

  Night time:

1. Guided meditation
2. Epson salt soak
3. Sleep

Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is be transparent and hope somebody out there is feeling exactly like you, because you don’t want to feel alone. I’m repeating mantras that relate back to why I blog AND where I am in this journey. Head down, heart up. I’m a big old ball of emotion, friends. It’s a scary, poignant, exhilarating place to exist. For previous episodes of, “Yeah ME, too” click here. About Lindsay Fischer & Her Books Lindsay Fischer was once a high school English teacher with dreams stretching far outside the classroom. Lindsay has faced numerous turmoils and pitfalls in her life and today’s revolve around the dream of becoming a loving mother. Lindsay’s two books, The House on Sunset and The Two Week Wait Challenge: A Sassy Girl’s Guide to Surviving the TWW both provide self-help advice for how others can battle through as has Lindsay.]]>