I started my IVF journey in February of 2016. During the holidays my sister in law and I spoke about my situation. She knew we had been trying, but didn’t know the details. She didn’t know that every month I would test thinking this was it and then cry knowing another month came and went. She didn’t know I suffered two miscarriages during those three years, that I was scared and my heart was hurting. She is so sweet and compassionate and suggested trying a new Doctor. She is a nurse and knew him from work. She knew he would be a perfect fit. She explained he was an OBGYN, but had a friend and colleague that was a fertility specialist, whom he would often consult with ( Dr. A!!!). She told me if I was ready, she would speak to him at work to see about getting me in. She even said that day, “he can get you pregnant in 6 months or less,” and man did I like the thought of that.
Fast forward to February; this was my first appointment with Dr. Nilson. I was excited! I had been diagnosed by my pervious Doctor with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), but was hopeful about our next step. Dr. Nilson came in and we spoke and then he began an ultrasound. Within a few short minutes he explained that I didn’t have PCOS but instead had diminished ovarian reserve (DOR). He showed my husband and I that my left ovary had no eggs and my right showed three. He explained I would have bloodwork taken, that day, to look at my hormone levels. He called me a few days later, personally, and told me the news. As he spoke, his voice sounded like the teacher off Charlie Brown. He explained my AMH was .24. What I understood was I was well below the normal range for my age and with my follicle count at the day of my appointment, I didn’t have many eggs. He explained I needed to make a decision on whether or not to begin IVF (in vitro fertilization) and I needed to decide quickly as the odds were not in my favor. He suggested a facility in St. Louis, MCRM. I told him to send my information over and I would speak to my husband. I remember talking with my husband about it. It’s funny because he is always so calm, listens and is supportive, though this night; I could see his head spinning… mine sure was. He asked me what I wanted to do and the decision was easy… “We are doing IVF.” I never thought I would say though words.
In May, I started my first cycle. I took injections for approximately 10 days. It was brutal, more emotionally, than mentally but every poke was one step closer to what our heart desired. My egg retrieval was on May 13 th at 3:30. I was so excited. We retrieved 2 eggs and both fertilized, I can’t lie, I was sad… only two? We received a call on day 6 that both eggs arrested. I was at work. I won’t forget that day. I am a child welfare supervisor and we did a removal that day with an infant. I felt like I was suffocating.
Thankfully, my MCRM coordinator, Rachel, and my amazing Husband, Eric, were right there. Our next egg retrieval was in June on June 17 th at 7:00am. We retrieved 4 eggs and two were mature. Both fertilized and on day 6 we received a call that one made it to 5 day blastocyst stage and was biopsied for PGS, then frozen. I was so excited and so scared. Waiting for the results from Genesis Genetics was unbearable but on Thursday the following week, Rachel called me with the good news. I can still remember her voice in May, when she called with the heartbreaking news that two of my precious “embies” didn’t make it. So in June, when she called for our 6 day report and our PGS results, I could tell it was good. I was again at work and quickly went into a meeting. I didn’t get to tell my husband until two hours later when I was leaving work. I couldn’t wait to tell him we had a genetically normal, girl!! My heart felt like I could breathe for a second. We were so thankful. Our next step was transfer!! We contemplated another egg retrieval but ultimately decided she was our girl and we scheduled our embryo transfer for August.
Monday, August 15, 2016- It’s transfer day!!!!
We were so excited and so nervous. One of the rules is drinking lots of water. As we sat in the waiting room and I drank my water, I felt at peace. I couldn’t imagine God taking us this far, without her someday being in my arms. The transfer was emotional and yet so easy. Dr. Alhering, Rachel and my husband were in the room when our sweet little embryo was finally placed back where she was supposed to be. Now, the wait began for our first beta. I couldn’t wait to get my results and decided that testing before would only help calm my nerves. The week went by with lots of emotions. My daughter started Pre-k, our dog of 10 years died; I got strep throat and was allergic to the antibiotics. Why do I sound like a country song? The only solace I would have was that pretty little line I would see Saturday, which was the day I had decided to test. I counted and I would be 5 days past my 5 day transfer or 5dpt5dt. So there I sat, in my bathroom, without my husband knowing and took my first test. It felt like a million years went by. I thought I might throw up and was slightly excited thinking it could be pregnancy symptom. I sat in the bathroom for 30 minutes staring at the test. I could see a faint line, but could others? I didn’t want to show anyone, but wanted to show everyone. I quickly sent it to one of my best friends, who is also a patient of MCRM and Dr. Nilson. She quickly confirmed what I saw. In that moment I felt heaviness on my heart. My mind was racing…. What if it’s a false positive, what if it doesn’t get darker, what if it’s a chemical pregnancy, what if….what if….. what if! It was like a bomb went off in my head and instead of enjoying the next few days, like I had the 5 days before, I foolishly choose to make myself miserable.
I tested for the next 5 days, morning and night. I sat in the bathroom for minutes that turned into hours looking at the tests, scrutinizing over them, stressing over the line and causing myself so much unnecessary anxiety. I cried and prayed, felt anger and sadness. I was seriously out of my mind!!! My first beta was Monday, August 22 nd and my second was Wednesday, August 24 th. When I got the call that my beta results were 12.4 and 23 I was happy, don’t get me wrong, but it also started another tailspin. I tested until 9dpt5dt. I remember sitting in the bathroom crying, worrying that my numbers weren’t like everyone one “else’s”. That they weren’t high enough and that testing would prove something I needed to know and then it was like the light came on. I was being so silly and needed to WALK AWAY FROM THE PREGNANCY TESTS. I did, that very day. I quit my awful habit, which I wish I would have never started. I longed for the blissfully happy five days previously, those five peaceful days before I started the “habit”. I thought “testing” would relief me of the either good or bad news, but man was I wrong. I was so very wrong…
Update: As of the writing of this post, Julie is 24 weeks and doing well. We are wishing her the very best and a healthy delivery.
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